((Sitting... waiting))

Mood: anxious
Book: ESP A learning centred approach
Music: Placebo



Grasping for air while your words etch my soul,
Carving it deep with the musts and shoulds as well as the don'ts
I've seen it collide to my despair
as everything suddenly fades...
I have felt it as I've clung to your breath...
I've been feeling down prior to this,
little chances of survival that's what I see,
see and know...
My regret and guilt won't let me be,
won't free me from captivity,
they won't release me as I wish they would,
all this pain is an illusion,
and even though I don't share many things with the proles,
I am... still... part of it all.
I would like to cleanse myself,
                                             but I can't.

I am nobody...

Mood: downsome
Book: niente
Music: The seatbelts

In a little while, you’ll be gone.
And the space that has been born between us I cannot seem to fill with anything.
We grow apart as we breathe and the more I wish to get closer, the farther I find myself.
I apply little to what I want, to what I wish to do,
The mara has grabbed herself tightly around my soul,
perhaps little salvation for my hopes although I thought I had none.
I am a slave of my own ambivalence,
A domesticated prisoner of my many and harshest guilts.
I am not rejecting anything but it seems like it,
I’ve been drifting away since day one,
My priorities are messed up,
What I want I cannot have,
I am my worst enemy, and I retreat because I am a coward.
A chicken shit with a little will, distracted by the dirtbags that I so claim to dislike.
Duties from all and paced deeds.
I am nobody,
Undeserving...
The void sucks dry my blurry vision, I cannot see the path anymore.
And even though I know I am not alone,
I know I walk alone under this dimmed light.
Nobody scrutinises my every move more than I do.
The world is a creeper...
She asked me if I would like to be a saint,
What an odd thing to ask someone who barely believes.
Thus I am a God’s forsaken child...
He said this is only a dream, and now it is time to wake up...
He said that all this pain is an illusion...

How you make me feel...

Mood: uneasy
Book: lplaning
Music: Mugen Houyou


How you make me feel I cannot compare it to anything else
and as you sit in silence carrying all these burdens I cannot stand
seeing the pain overflowing what words cannot explain
the wind freezes time and in isolation, I can only shelter you... in my head.

I know is not enough,
                               we want more...
                               we,
                                     need more...
Surviving the ache has not been easy,
the light in your eyes is ceasing,
                                               it frustrates me not being of any help,
                                               it kills me not being able to ameliorate your pain.

I've been singing to you endlessly,
                                                 can you hear me?
                                                 can you feel me?
I hold you in my thoughts,
                                      and encourage you to stay strong,
                                                                                        to hold on...

We have walked the rivers and paths from east to south,
                                                                                    I love walking with you...
I see you, and I hear you calling my different names,
                                                                        that keeps me strong.

I am here...
                 I will always be...
Because how you make me feel...
                                                  I cannot compare it to anything else.

This is my story

Mood: Uneasy
Book: carlos castaneda
Music: wordsmith 

Let me tell you a story...

I saw you at the centre of that place crowded with thoughts and empty shells.

Your eyes were shining like stars, it was hard not to look your way.

But what captivated me the most was your frisky and beautiful smile.

Language cannot engrave the feeling, language limits it.

Because the feeling grew stronger, it changed shape, it moved from my eyes right to my chest.

This feeling escapes language, this feeling I cannot put it into words that conceptualise the thought and it takes its perfection and aesthetics away.

So let me tell you a story of how much this means to me.

I am caged, I am being domesticated against this feeling, I cannot love you like others love each other, I cannot keep you inside my head... because you grow and caress my soul right in the back of my neck.

It is no mystery, you smile lightens up my burdens and pains, and in reverie, within the boundaries of the nighty breezes, where the time seems to stop... there lies my world with you, away from reason, in its own space and rhythm... it fills my emptiness, it gives me back my individuality and yet it makes me dual.

Language tries to refrain the feeling, put it into something understandable, contain me... but you, my love, overflow it, you break the moulds and take your different shapes in freedom, you emancipate yourself from my head and flood me every time I wear your skin.

This is my story.